Meet the New Boss

When I first moved to China I thought I was moving to a communist country. I quickly realized how little labels mean there.

On a trip to Dameisha, I came across this advertisement. Somehow I doubt Karl Marx would approve (or even see the humor in it). I especially like the knock-off sports car logo in the bottom left of the sign. I wouldn't be surprised if the school's curriculum included reading "Jewish Business Secrets," a popular book that has little basis in reality.

Even the Losers

My apologies to Tom Petty...

Chinese media is buzzing with stories of a few losers. The first comes as a bit of a surprise: unpopular micro-bloggers are paying people to be their fans. These people are paying others to manipulate the number of followers to their micro-blog on Sina.

I know that there are a lot of people whose social skills are lacking, but is it really that difficult to make friends online? To add some perspective, I use the Chinese micro-blog and have 124 followers. That's not bad considering how infrequently I use it and the fact that I write 90% in English (I originally planned on using it to improve my Chinese).

Our next candidate comes from Shenzhen. Shenzhen Daily reports that a man blames a Jissbon condom for ruining his sex life. While using a condom that supposedly would help extend sexual performance, he suffered pre-mature ejaculation, followed by depression. Jissbon refutes the man's claim that it was a faulty condom. As proof that China is opening up to Western ideals, the man filed a frivolous lawsuit against the condom maker.

Note: Jissbon is a Chinese condom brand made in Wuhan. They have the most amusing logo of a smirking condom wearing sunglasses.

English Education

I was helping Jia translate a picture dictionary for a friend and had to tell her what some of the objects were in English so she could look them up in Chinese. We were using a common translation program online--something I've seen co-workers use before. It usually has some good translations.

We had to look up "blowtorch." After finding the translation, I noticed that the site provided a sample sentence. "He have all the apparatus, including a blowtorch, for freebasing cocaine."

Not only is this sentence grammatically incorrect, but it is definitely not promoting the harmonious society that Hu Jintao has been promoting since I arrived in China.

For the Children

Last night Jia and I stopped in one the stationary/toy shops to see if we could find anything amusing that would make nice gifts for friends back home. I didn't find gifts, but I found something amusing for the kids.
This pack of candy cigarettes with its copyright infringement sells for 5 jiao (a few cents to you Americans). The photo isn't clear enough to see the bottom, but it says, "Good flavor every day." That's such a great message to give the kids when more than 300 million people in China smoke. Also, on the side of the pack is a government quality product seal (fake, of course). They also had some packs that were knock-offs of Chinese brands, like 888 cigarettes.

And no, I don't plan to try the sugar sticks that look like rancid cigarettes. I'm sure there's plenty of Melamine or other chemicals in these things.

Fake Fuwa

Over the past couple years I've been collecting fake Olympic merchandise. The only authentic Beijing Olympic merchandise I own is a pen that was given as a gift. I've also purchased a few genuine articles for others.
This set of rather ugly Fuwa toys for 30 kuai comes from Children World--a huge market near Haiya Baihuo that's logo has a knock-off of Woody Woodpecker. This set looks like a rather good fake--there are no hugely obvious mistakes. In the top right corner, however, it says "Chinese Olymepic Cmmittee."

It's not as amusing as the Beijinag 2008 pen I bought a while back.

New Business Plan

Or maybe it's just another ploy to avoid talking to some people.

My wife had a custom shirt made for me as a one-year anniversary gift. The idea of this evolved out of many conversations with J. Some of my co-workers thought it was funny and suggested that I have more made so I can wear it every day. Who knows, maybe it'll be profitable.

The front says: Say hello to me 5 yuan, shake hands with me 10 yuan, take my picture 25 yuan, and have a conversation with me for a lot of Tsingtao.
I especially like the back--it has some poor grammar. Jia claims she wrote it properly and blames the whoever made the shirt for the error. It would be better if it was also in Chinese.

Review: The Onion Movie

I was surprised that this movie actually existed. I'm a big fan of The Onion and couldn't resist watching the movie. I did have my doubts going in--I kept thinking about Mad TV and how bad that turned out. Could a sketch-comedy movie based on a fake newspaper be worthwhile? I was prepared for disappointment.

The Onion Movie is a pleasant surprise. It has quite a bit of low-brow humor juxtaposed with social commentary. It reminded me of Amazon Women on the Moon, another sketch comedy movie without much of a plot. This had much more timely humor than its predecessor, and slightly more of a plot. But, The Onion Movie does not have B.B. King.

The Onion Movie revolves around The Onion News Channel and its anchor Norm Archer (Len Cariou). Archer gets upset about journalistic integrity due to the advertising for a Steven Seagal movie called Cock Puncher that interrupts the newscast. This storyline takes up about 15 minutes of the total movie time.

It is an amusing movie with a lot of low-brow comedy gimmicks. It does, however, have some of the amusing news stories you'd expect from The Onion--mostly read by Archer. It's amusing, but certainly not worth paying much to see. I suggest Amazon Women on the Moon for your entertainment dollar.

Bonerific Olympics

It's probably better that George Carlin isn't around to hear the news. It seems that the Olympics doesn't need to worry so much about steroids anymore--there's a new human growth hormone (excuse the pun) to improve performance--Viagra. That's right, the blue pill does more than help men have sex.

It seems Viagra can increase blood flow to the lungs, which may aid athletes in competition. However, there is no evidence yet as to whether it really does improve athletic prowess. Therefore, it will be legal for use during the Beijing games. I'm not sure how many competitors will really want more blood flow to the lungs while breathing the Beijing air. Anyway, while the Olympic committee will not be testing for Viagra this summer, rest assured that it will be obvious which athletes are using the new doping technique.

I'm starting to wish for the old days of steroid use.

Squat at Your Own Risk

You better watch where you squat when you visit Beijing for the Olympics. According to "Tiger Temple" blogger (in Chinese, translated on Global Voices), there was a fire in a portable toilet near the Bird's Nest in Beijing. Cause of the fire are yet unknown and probably being withheld to avoid embarrassment.

If my personal adventures in Chinese toilets are any indication, my conspiracy theory on the cause of the fire would involve poor ventilation, plenty of methane gas, and an improperly discarded cigarette.

My advice is to avoid public toilets. But, if you must attend to the call of nature, be sure there is enough ventilation and that no one is smoking.

I'm a Doppelganger

I got used to being told I look like people, but it wasn't until I moved to China that I was told I resembled anyone famous. Is it considered a compliment when they choose to say I look like Vladamir Lenin or Karl Marx? I've encountered this a few times now.

My Kingdom for a Paper Clip

I never realized how complicated a paper clip could be. A while back, I asked a coworker how to say paper clip in Chinese. Rather than tell me, she said she'd go to the copy room to get some for me. They didn't have any, but they'd get them soon, I was told. I forgot about it until today.

I spoke to my coworker on the phone and asked how to say it again. It took a while to get an answer. Wen zhen jia, I was told after the wait. With this knowledge on a scrap of paper, I headed over to the copy room. I memorized the word and asked for it--the woman in the copy room appeared to understand. Then she held up plastic folders to give to me. I said, "No, wen zhen jia." She explained that it was. I was lost.

Fortunately, another professor was in the room. She spoke English and tried to help. I explained what I wanted, but she too looked confused. Finally, I found a binder clip and showed her. I now had my small box of binder clips to help organize my students' assignments.

The professor explained that wen zhen jia is a formal word in Chinese and has many meanings. It can be used for binder clips, binders, folders, staples, and paper clips (there might also be some other things in there). Apparently, you have to use this word AND explain what kind you'd like. This was later confirmed by my coworkers who listened to my story of confusion.

Unfortunately, after all that, I still have no clue how to properly ask for a paper clip.

The Farce Continues...

Really now, is this necessary? Please tell me it's not true. Did I read this article correctly? Does it really say that China is suing CNN and Cafferty for $1.3 billion ($1 for each person)? Yesterday it was 1400RMB for a lawsuit in Beijing. This one is apparently being brought to court in New York.

I wonder why the lawsuit only seeks money for Chinese citizens. What about the overseas Chinese who had their feelings hurt? I think these people should sue the original lawyers for discrimination.

I understand that people are upset because of Cafferty's choice of words. I don't agree with what he said, but this is seriously overreacting.

This will only lead China down a dangerous path of litigation. If it is this easy to sue someone for stupidity, then there are plenty of others who have the right to seek damages for comments made by Chinese people. Does this mean foreigners can sue every time they have to pay a higher price for goods in China? Does this mean I can sue the idiots who call my wife a "traitor" for marrying a foreigner?

China needs to be ready for the equally idiotic response to the already stupid actions in this situation.

China Gets Litigious

More stupidity to add to that previous post: According to China Daily some lawyers in Beijing have filed a frivolous lawsuit against CNN and Jack Cafferty. The 14 lawyers are seeking an apology and 100 RMB each for "mental distress." Apparently you can suffer mentally when a blow-hard calls you a goon or thug.

100 RMB?? Is that all their time is worth? These must be the cheapest lawyers in the world. If this lawsuit is successful, I'll have to consider filing my own for all the nasty things I've been called for standing around being foreign.

I suggest Cafferty pay the minimal sum requested before the exchange rate gets worse for the dollar. Of course, Cafferty could always come up with his own frivolous counter-suit--I'm sure there are plenty of American attorney dying to get involved in this circus.

I also read an earlier commentary about the same Cafferty situation--the problem is that the first paragraph (second sentence, actually) doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I'm tired from correcting my students' work, so would any kind editors like to take a stab at this one?

The American Cable News Network (CNN) is making news with China, again. Last time, cnn.com editors chopped a picture with more than 10 stone-throwing Tibetan mobs chasing a Chinese riot police wagon nowhere to see, causing wrath of millions for photo doctoring. This time, an amateur anchor blasted out Chinese people as "goons and thugs" and Chinese-made goods as "junk".

Return of the King

No, not Elvis. I'm pretty sure he's living at the Grand Lisboa in Macau. I'm talking about the Monkey King. Jia found the best pen ever--it's a boxing Monkey King.

What else can I say? Its eyes glow when it punches and it's perfect for any and all business meetings around China. Nothing tells the Chinese that you mean business like a red-eyed fighting monkey.

Homer Made Me Do It

Homer: Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau?
Apu: Such a beer does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it.
Homer: Oh. Well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles.

Last night J. and I conducted the Chinese Skittlebrau experiment. This involved a pack of Skittles, a few bottles of Tsingtao, and a couple bottles of Kingway. We figured it couldn't be all bad--we're just bored with Chinese beer.

The conclusions of the experiments found that yellow and green Skittles are best when mixed with any Chinese beer (they all basically taste the same). Mixing flavors in the beer always results in a rather unpleasant taste. It is also best to not eat the Skittles after they've been dissolving in a glass of cold beer. This experiment also resulted in some strange glances from the Chinese.

Follow the rules

I forgot I had this photo. It's a sign in the ecological park in Shekou District, Shenzhen. For anyone wanting a pleasant day away from the noise of the city, this park is beautiful with views of downtown Shenzhen. There usually aren't too many people, so it's not too difficult to find a peaceful spot to relax, read, write, draw, etc.
However, please obey the rules of the park. Pay particular attention to number 6.
I'm still scratching my head, wondering how exactly one would practice feudalism in a public park. Would someone build a castle and then rent the public land to some peasants?
I've been thinking of getting a group of friends together and holding a medieval picnic. Everyone can dress as lords and serfs. Of course, the serfs would have to give half their food to the lords who would arrive with nothing because the serfs would pay for everything. It can be a fun day for the whole family. Abuse the peasants and eat their food!